Why do I write about my thoughts/feelings online?

Dear reader,
I have decided to write posts like this one. Posts without a point other than writing out my thoughts so that I can refine them. I really enjoy writing about my feelings and thoughts for several reasons.
– I feel better after I do so
– I learn new stuff. I gain better understanding of how I work and what is happening in myself. If browsing Wikipedia is how I learn about dynamical systems then writing is how I learn about me. And that is just delightful process.
– By writing out my feelings I begin to notice them better in general which just improves how I feel in general
Despite having strong reasons to write I noticed that there is something stopping me from writing. Well, I want to get to the bottom of that something. Thoughts to discuss:
1) Why write these things on the internet, why not do it just as a journal? It’s weird.
2) Since I am putting this stuff online it should be good. But I won’t be able to make it good.
3) Why would anyone care about what I am writing?

Well, the thing that I can tell myself in response to all of this is:
The reason to do it is because I REALLY enjoy it. I am not doing it so that everyone who reads it benefits from it. Right now, I am doing it just because I enjoy it and I think it is a cool thing to do. I need to learn to do stuff “without a goal” just for the sake of enjoyment. That is one of the most important things that I want to learn.

So there is that. But I guess it’s nice to address the points one by one so that I can revisit them:

1) Why put this online and not just as diary?
– It is more fun.
– When I write to someone else it helps me to gain clarity.
– I like the idea of someone reacting to it. Teaching me something new etc.
– I would enjoy reading similar stuff from others
– It makes me more open which I consider really important because sometimes I hide some feelings/ thoughts from myself. I don’t want to admit them. If I write online about my thoughts and feelings it stretches me a bit. Being able to admit some things publicly makes admitting other things just to myself easier.
– I just like sharing thoughts and I feel
– Part of me wants to “build a career” on creating online content. Although this is true, I don’t want this to be the reason I am writing these posts cause it is just paralyzing me (the posts have to be good enough so that I can make a career from it, lol).
– I want to get better at sharing thoughts – feedback will help.

2) What I write must be useful/ good
The posts need to be good only if I want some other outcome than having fun in the process. Since I established I am doing this for fun (or better say I would like to do this just for fun) I don’t need to worry about how good the posts are. Doing something just because I enjoy it without any particular outcome in mind is something quite novel for me so I struggle with it. But I guess I just need to get better at noticing when this feeling is stopping me and remembering that I am doing this for fun, not for an outcome.

3) Why would anyone care about what I am writing?
Again, this isn’t relevant. I should just notice this thought but not allow it to influence my actions

4) I hope writing stuff like this makes me famous, lol
This is the kind of thought that I find hard to admit to myself (so I didn’t) because I find it ridiculous. Why am I using word “ridiculous”? It feels quite harsh. I guess I am quite annoyed with my “need for fame/approval”. Again, annoyed feels quite harsh, so why that word? Well, this is interesting, so I will think about it at some point.
Now that I have articulated this hope, I think it shouldn’t affect me so much. I should remember, why I am doing this.

Reminder for future me:
I write because discovering stuff about me is fun. I write online because it stretches me. I want to focus on the process. Enjoying it and being curious about what is going on in me, how to express myself better and in future how to make this more relevant for others. I need to learn to do stuff “without a goal” just for the sake of enjoyment. That is one of the most important things that I want to learn.

 

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